I Want A Divorce!
by Field of Insanity
Summary: In which Lily and James are married under the forces of one insane Sirius Black. Marriage program theme. Revising in Progress
1. I want a divorce!

**I Want A Divorce!**

**Summary**- Enter the two bickering life of Lily and James Potter, as they **_try_** to survive their final school year posing as a happily wed couple complete with their baby son, Harry. Add a crazy hyper Sirius and a very moody Remus into the equation and you get a very depressed James. Through all this mess will Lily and James find true love?

**Disclaimer**- Yes I do own Harry Potter! Okay, as in books from the Philosopher's stone, to the Order of the Phoenix. Wish I was J.K. Rowling. Then Hp & co. will be all mine I tell ya! All miiiine! I'm plotting to kidnap Sirius though…..

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Lily Evans, no Potter, was one unhappy witch. She stomped angrily down the Hogwarts corridors as she glared menacingly at passing innocent first years, making them scream and run for their very lives. Her eyes were blazing with so much fury and ember that it was practically radiating the feeling I-am-a-dangerous-mass-murderer-fear-me, as her scowling face was quickly turning into the exact shade of deep amber hair.

This was not happening! This WOULD NOT HAPPEN! Oh no, no. NO!Never! Not evenover her dead body….. She thought furiously as she came to a halt at her destination.

The two heavy wooden doors slammed open with a 'BANG' as the head house of Gryffindor quickly looked up from her book in complete surprise for no one has ever lived to witness the sweet intelligent Head Girl to look this distressed. Ever. Well, expect for a certain cocky faced, stupid inconceivable, self-conceited prat. (Or so Lily believes).

"How may I help you Ms. Evans?" Professor McGonagall asked in a business like way as soon as she regained her posture.

"Professor, I would like to file a divorce." Lily stated bluntly, her face no longer scowling due to the bewildered expression that displayed on her favorite teacher. It took the Head of the Gryffindor House a few moments to register the strange comment her star pupil (though she did struggle a bit in Transfiguration) had meant by the bizarre statement.

"Ahh… I assume you are talking about the strange muggle parent program that Albus has assigned today." She pursed her lips into a thin line before continuing, "I am sorry Miss Evans, but I cannot-"

Professor McGonagall was suddenly interrupted by a loud slam of the door that was made none other than the ever so famous James Potter. Though what was unusual at this sight was that James was actually grinning like he was just announced the king of the world, and it scared Lily out of her wits.

Surely he wasn't smiling at the fact that they were supposed to act like a happy married couple for an entire year in order receives the full 75 percent of their final grade point average. He wasn't happy because he had to raise a life like child with his worst enemy. As husband and wife. Happily living. Together… With a child…. In love… Forever…. At the last thought Lily shivered so violently it caused all the occupants in the room to stare at her for a brief moment, before Lily finally broke the silence.

"What are you grinning about, Potter?" she snapped viciously.

"Oh no reason, just admiring the fact that I was paired up with the most stuck up, bossy, ugly, know-it-all like you." He replied in a sarcastic tone, although he was still smiling like a maniac throughout his speech.

"Ugh, Your smile is scaring me Potter."

"Like how you were scaring off little first years three minutes ago?" He asked with his eyebrow raised, still smiling widely.

"Just stop it before I die of fright!" Lily commanded harshly, forgetting the fact that there was a third occupant in the room; which at this very moment seems to be fighting the natural human erg to grin, thus explaining the madly twitching lips.

"I can't" James hissed back in reply. "Stupid Sirius and his stupid cheering charm." He added under his breath, though making sure Lily had heard what he's saying. "Dunno why I have all the rotten luck, woulda taken Snape then her…"

At this Lily was deeply offended, for it was a world wide fact that James thought Snape to be the ugliest, most greasiest git that walked upon the face of the Earth, though she will never admit she acknowledged that fact. Quickly covering her shocked expression Lily smiled and stated very clearly "I didn't know you swung that way Potter."

"Only when your face is involved dear" His smile grew sickly wider, making it look quite threatening.

Smirking in satisfaction Lily turned back toward a very amused McGonagall and said, "You see Professor, I cannot be 'wed' to Potter for he is gay. And even pretending would offend him."

The charm must have worn off because James was now gaping at her stupidly as Lily shot him a triumph grin over her shoulder. "Tha-that's not, I-I only m-eant." He stuttered.

Clucking her tounge Lily walked toward James and soothingly patting his back, "There, there, you poooooor dear, it's not bad to admit it." Lily had to bite her lip to keep from laughing as Potter's face turned violently crimson.

"Fine, fine, Snape was an exaggeration, but I will not take th-this hag for a wife!" He exclaimed and turned his head toward McGonagall at the last part.

"Well you're just an egolistic toerag!" Lily shot back angrily.

"Control Freak!"

"Self-conceited prat!"

"An ugly troll!"

"Bloody sexist!"

"Bloody feminist!"

"Stalker!"

"Spoi- Hey that was only once!"

"STOP!" Professor McGonagall exclaimed as she abruptly stood up from her chair. "That is quite enough! You are suppose to be a role model for your fellow students, I will not have you bickering in my office. Now you are stuck together or you shall loose 75 percent of your overall grade! Now out! OUT!" She pointed her finger towards the door as a grumbling James and a flushing Lily slowly stepped out of her office, leaving their professor in what she believe to be peace. Though barely 15 seconds has passed before shouting has resumed out in the corridors.

"I KNOW YOU HAD SOMETHING TO SO WITH IT! YOU'VE BEEN STALKING ME IN FIFTH YEAR! DON'T THINK I DIDN'T KNOW YOU-"

"EVANS! THAT WAS WHEN I WAS STUPID AND BLIND!"

"YOU STILL ARE!"

"WELL WHO WOULD WANT TO MARRY A BOSSY MEANACING GIRL LIKE YOU?"

"THAT'S IT! LET'S DUEL POTTER HERE AND NOW!!!"

"EAT MY DUST EVANS!"

Groaning loudly Professor McGonagall banged her head repeated upon her office desk, asking the heavens why oh why did Albus have to pair them up? "I….bang….hate…bang…you….bang….Albus…"

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A/N- I know its bit of a slow beginning but once Sirius appears in the next chapter let the insanity begin! Oh and I know I haven't typed for a while, (thanks to my stupid broken computer) but I also have a writer's block for my other story, so I will be working on this for a while to get that out of my system. Well I hope you like it! Please review!


	2. Remus the Rooster

I Want A Divorce!

A/N- WOW! Your reviews are so kind and encouraging! Thanks you soo much for those who reviewed! I would write your names here but my computer is being stupid so I can't see your names. Well enjoy!

Disclamier- I tell ya, I didn't kidnap the Hp cast! Well….maybe Sirius, but he's so adorable! Can I keep him huh J.K.? Can I? (Angry lawyers pops out of thin air and shoots the author). Sooo …is that a yes?

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SLAM! Moments after the school heard one of the infamous Lily and James fight, (literally since they scream so loud), a very red cheeked James stormed into the common room and shut himself into the seventh year boys dormitory. A few seconds later, a series of loud bangs could be heard from his direction in what seems to be a throwing tantrum.

Sirius, so innocently curious that is, decided to ask the red faced Lily that soon followed the angry James and ended up cowering behind his fellow Marauder, Remus in fear of getting his head bit off. As soon as he was sure that Lily was safely contained within her room, Sirius slowly crawled out of his hiding spot, grinning like a mad man.

"Man, something good happened to get Lily and James all scary like that, I wouldn't be surprised if she made little children cry. Wonder what happened?" he was speaking more to himself then Remus.

Though the tuff of sandy brown hair that was sticking out top of a very large book just "Mmmm" in response.

"Maybe my charm took place early…. But that's not supposed to happen till ten more minutes." Sirius said in deep thought as Remus warily looked at him over his Hogwarts, A History, believing strongly that a thinking Sirius is a dangerous Sirius.

"Moony I got an idea!" Sirius exclaimed.

Sighing deeply Remus placed down his book on the night table next to him. "Padfoot, I refuse to go to another beauty contest, I can't believe how stupid we were, getting drunk and then following your lead…." He grimaced at the memory.

"Hey! At least I came out in first place!" Sirius retorted, very offended by his friend's lack of mistrust.

"That's because you also drugged the judge." Remus replied calmly.

Sirius crossed his arms in annoyance and said, "Well, that wasn't my idea for now…"

"No I don't want to jump off the astronomy tower…or dye McGonagall's hair hot pink, or try to propose to the Giant Squid..."

"Hey! That was only once! And I was very young and immature back then." Sirius frowned.

"Padfoot, that was yesterday..." Remus raised his eyebrow in amusement.

"Oh… Well anyway I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted…" Sirius gave a dramatic pause…"Let's go spy on-"

"No!" Remus declared loudly before Sirius could finish his sentence, causing a few heads to turn. "Did you see Lily? She's gonna murder us on the spot if we provoke her now! Padfoot please stop thinking up different ways to commit suicide." Remus lowered his voice on the last part to prevent attracting any more attention in the common room.

"Common Remmmmmy!" Sirius whined as he received a glare from Remus for using the nickname he was greatly annoyed by.

"It'll be fun! Pleeeeeaaaasssssse!" Sirius continued.

"No is a no!" Remus hissed.

"Stop being a bloody chicken!" Sirius started to jump up and down like a whining three year old, demanding for a treat. "I'm not a chi-" Remus began, but before he could finish Sirius turned him into a rooster with a swish of his wand.

"Now you are…." He taunted with a mischievous look in his eyes, conjuring an axe. "I wonder if chickens can run without a head…" Sirius mused as Remus the Rooster widened his eyes.

For the next five minutes Sirius chase a very scared Remus around, spreading feathers around the common room and amusement to the guys.

"Gotcha!" Sirius exclaimed as he held Remus upside down with his tale. "Too bad a certain someone wouldn't spy on my best friend with me…." Sirius drawled lazily, Remus eyeing him as if saying 'you wouldn't dare…..'

However, Remus was saved at the moment as a small chubby ski masked boy entered the common room, carrying what seemed to be a heavy shopping bag. This mysterious figure suddenly came to a halt as he realized that the common room suddenly became eerily quite and gave out a nervous squeak.

"Peter?" asked Sirius in a delighted voice as he recognized his friend's voice. "What are you wearing?'

"I wasn't shopping for woman's clothes! I swear!" Peter blurted out quickly.

Everyone in the common room stared.

Remus the Rooster stared.

Sirius stared...at a girl wearing a mini skirt.

"W-well I w-wasn't!" He stuttered then ran out of the common room, the silence soon disrupted by a few loud murmurs of gossip.

With a pop Remus turned back to his normal state, and laded roughly on his back, his mouth a bit opened from shock. "Welll…." Sirius said. "I done that once…"

Remus glared at his friend. "If I wasn't disgusted out of my mind I would have killed you for the rooster thing."

Sirius opened his mouth to answer but was interrupted by two loud screams coming from the boys' and the girls' dormitory.

"BLOODY HELL!" James exclaimed at the same time Lily screamed, "POTTER!"

"Lily and James…" Remus realized… "Padfoot.." He growled threatenly. "What have you done?" But Remus blinked in surprise for Sirius had vanished.

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A/N- Hehe, I got something good planned but you'll probably have to wait till Sunday cuz I'm leaving for Reno rite now! Happy Holidays!


	3. Switching places

I Want A Divorce!

A/N-Sorry for the late update, I had to go to Reno, but now I'm back. I'm so touched by the number of review I've received. I was going to update chapter two on Friday but the Fanfiction network server was busy. Anywayz enjoy!

Disclaimer- I have not kidnapped any of the characters from J.K.'s wonderful mind, I'm just borrowing them and locking them inn my closet because I am hopelessly obsessed.

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Chapter Three- Switching places

(Previous chapter, Lily's POV)

_Stupid Potter and his stupid ego. _Lily thought as she menacingly stomped through the common room, the same first years she encountered thirty minutes ago dove behind couches for cover. _Oh great here comes Black, can't that idiot see that I want to be left alone?_ Lily scowled deeply as Sirius mentioned James' name, she gave an uncharacteristic growl that sent Sirius scampering off like a little scared girl.

_I guess he remembers my Bat Boogey Hex. _She mused as she finally reached her dorm and jumped onto her four postern bed, screaming all her frustrations into the pillow as her best friends, Amber McKinnon and Emmeline Vance rushed over to see what's wrong.

"What did Potter do this time?" Emmeline sighed as she threw her long wavy hair behind her back. Amber lazily picked up the latest edition of Witch Weekly as she half listened to their conversation, used to the same pattern that happened for the past two years.

After their fifth year James had given up on Lily, finally getting the point that if she'd rather defends Snape and go out with the Giant Squid than saying yes to him, than she would never change her mind. So from that day on he stopped stalking her, but instead pranking her fiercer than ever which annoyed Lily more than usual. Soon they would yell and bicker whenever their paths crossed, and only behaved in the presence of a teacher. So that's how it went for two looong years, they would scream their heads off, Lily would slap James, scream on her pillow, and have either Emmeline or Amber comfort her, usually taking turns.

"Potter's going to be my husband" Lily groaned as she started to hit her head repeatedly on her pillow, silently cursing James in her mind, though what he did wrong she did not know. But according to her laws of physics its when something bad happens, its Potters fault, sometimes Black's though usually Potter.

And this was definitely bad.

Amber dropped her magazine in surprised as Emmeline gaped at her. "Ex-excuse me?" she gasped out as Amber nodded her head dumbly, too shocked top response properly.

"James proposed to you?!?" Amber continued in a high squeaky voice as Emmeline finally broke out into a grin. "Well good for you" she said to a shocked Lily "I knew you liked each other with all that bicker, were you dating behind our backs?" Emmeline smiled mischievously.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!" Lily looked scandalized. "No I'm not really getting married to him! It's a school program! Me and Potter together for real? Ewewewewewewewew!" It seemed like she was fighting a strong erg to roll up into fetal position and start sucking her thumb.

"What school program?" Amber frowned as she sat on the bed next to Lily patting her back as Emmeline shoved her fist into her mouth to keep from laughing.

"What's so funny?" Lily snapped as she glared at her now laughing friend.

"I'm sorry." Emmeline said sounding not so sorry at all. "You guys are just so gullible; I knew you aren't really getting married. You and James missed the last prefect meeting but it seems that Dumbledore was inspired by some muggle movie and wanted to start a marriage program to prepare us for the real world. Of, course many of us protested so we agreed that if the head boy and girl showed us an example of how we should behave for the first few days, than we'll agree to be paired up with each other" Emmeline smiled meekly as Lily shot her a Why-didn't-you-tell-me look.

"But it's okay!" Emmeline said before Lily could open her mouth. "It's only like for a month or something."

"But McGonagall said it was a whole year thing!" Lily wailed.

"What?!?" Amber spoke up. "I'm not spending a whole year with some stupid guy!"

"Unless it's Remus, huh?" Emmeline winked at her, making Amber blush.

"Well at least you guys have a few days to prepare; I mean this was just thrown at me in a sign at the Head's room!" Lily moaned.

"Aww quit whining you baby!" Emmeline said in a playful matter. "It's not that bad!"

"It's not bad?" Lily's eyes widened in disbelief. "This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me!"

Suddenly the world began to spin widely and she saw Emmeline's and Amber's worried face before the world turn all black.

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(James POV)

"Stupid…crash…Evans….crash….bloody….crash….program!" James grumbled as he threw random objects towards the wall, only stopping to listen to the faint clucking below.

After a few moments of moping around he jumped on his bed and tossed out all but his boxers off his bed as he slammed his head on the pillow, hoping to sleep his problems away.

"This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me!" he mumbled, but to his surprise his vision started spinning.

"What the?" He quickly jammed his glasses back on his face before everything went black…..

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Ten minutes later……

A low moan escaped from Lily as she slowly got up from her bed, trying to remember what had happened to her. She looked around at her surroundings looking for Amber or Emmeline, but none of them were there. To her surprise she found a messy dormitory with random clothing and food strewn around the floor as all the four poster beds were placed differently.

Huh?

She tried to rub her eyes but was blocked by a pair of thick glasses? She slowly took them off to quickly find that everything looked blurry and placed the back on. She did this for a couple times before a horrible idea dawned on her.

Lily blindly placed her hands on her chest to find...nothing. She looked down and screamed as she saw anice muscular body in a pair of red boxers with tiny snitches flying about. This wasn't her body. She blinked and ran her hands through her hair…. This wasn't her hair…..

Quickly rushing up to her feet she desperately searched for a mirror hoping against all hope that this was some wild dream. Surely, surely she wouldn't be _him_. She couldn't be the only person she ever despised. Surely she can't be the one who picked on her ever since she met him on Hogwarts Express. Surely she just can't be him. Can she?

She found a small hand mirror in one of the drawers and screamed in surprise. For in the mirror stood a very shocked face of James Potter.

So absorbed in fighting the erg to faint she didn't recognize another scream emitting from the girl's dormitory just as she had. Lily pinched herself to check if she was dreaming, but to her dismay, she felt the pain. She started to hyperventilate for a second before she heard a loud "BLOODY HELL". Judging by the sound of her own voice, Lily knew in an instant that Potter was in the same predicament.

Potter…….

Remembering her own laws of physics all her anger went towards one Gryffindor Quidditch Captain as she yelled in a high shrill voice….. "POTTER!"

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A/N- WHooo! I'm typing this in Reno! Too bad I can only put this up by Sunday… Aww well. Hope you like it! Pleaz review!

Good? Bad? Continue?


	4. Just die Potter

I Want A Divorce!

**A/N**- AWSOME! Your reviews make an old author (even though I'm only thirteen) makes me feel all nice and fuzzy inside! Okay, maybe that was too dramatic. But the reviews from people like **soft n' fluffy **and **SweetSouthernGal **are so touching and motivating that it makes me start typing right on the spot! I'm going to leave comments to peepz who review at the end of the story cuz there isn't much room up here. Anyways, I think this is the longest chappie I have written in this story. Enjoy!

**Important Reference:** Oh ya, by the way since Lily and James swapped places I am going to refer Lily as Lily stuck in James body, and James as James stuck in Lily's body. Is that confusing? In other words I am referring them for their mental states, not physical.

Disclaimer- You know the drill, Harry Potter is not mine and I have no idea who kidnapped Sirius Black.

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Chapter five- Just die Potter, Die…

James Potter rushed passed Lily's worried friends and made a mad dash towards the boy's dormitory, causing a few curious stares to go his way, including the attention of one blue eyed Marauder…

James violently cursed out every –bad words that the author might get kicked out for- under the sun when his horrified suspicious proved to be correct. There in front of him stood, well…him, wearing a panicked expression bordering between fear and fury.

Perhaps this is just a very bad dream?

SLAP!

Perhaps not…

"JAMES POTTER! This is the most outrageous, idiotic prank that you have ever pulled off! When I get back in my own body…oh you're going to regret it! Forcing me to look at your hideously fat body and taking my identity is a violation of the Wizard's code of Rights, Section B Paragraph 6! When I'm through with you, the rest of your children's, children's are going to feel this till the day they die! Then I'm going to have you thrown into Azkaban! Or better yet, explosion from Hogwarts!" Lily rambled on as she made wide gestures with her hand, pacing around James as a tiger would to get ready to strike her pray.

_Yup… I've switched bodies with Lily Evans…_ James thought grimly as he rubbed his…er her stinging cheek.

"CHANGE US BACK NOW!" Lily bellowed purpled faced as James seemed to tune her out, veryused to this verbal abuse to his ears.

So Lily slapped him again.

"Ouch, Evans! What did you do that for?" James snapped, finally out of his reverie.

"What did I do that for?" Lily repeated dumbly, her mouth wide open, apparently baffled by the lack of intelligence there can seem to be in one's brain. "This is all your fault!"

"This is my fault?" James asked indignity, crossing his arms over his chest, in what he hoped to be a very intimidating way, forgetting for a fact that he was not as taller than he used to be. "Why is it my fault? I didn't do anything!"

"Because..." Lily said with the air of teaching a very stupid person that the sky is blue. "It's the laws of physics."

"Wha?" James asked, but then seeing the superior look on Lily's, well technically his face (which was very creepy by the way) and quickly muttered, "Never mind, I don't want to know."

"JUST REVERSE THIS SPELL!" Lily bellowed once again.

"I ALREADY TOLD YOU I DIDN'T DO IT SO I DON'T KNOW HOW!" James yelled back.

"Are you serious?" Lily whispered, then looking at James' set expression she knew. "No, no, no, no, NO!" she yanked on her short jet black hair in disbelief as James gave out an indignant cry of "My Hair!" in the background.

"That's it!" Lily's head shot up in inspiration as a brilliant though hit her. "Let's ask Professor McGonagall to fix this!"

"No, she might think we're trying to get out of this program, and since you're in my body and seeing that she trusts me sooo much…" James trailed off frowning.

"As much as I hate to say this Potter, your right…" Lily slumped her shoulders dejectedly. "She's not going to believe us, especially coming from you, physically I mean." She added at the last second.

"How bout Dumbledore?" James suggested.

"NO!" Lily cried out, for she had a very high respect for her headmaster, seeming that coming to him for a problem such as embarrassing as this would be just unthinkable!

"Well, maybe we should wait and see if this spell wears off…" said James.

"What?!? I'm not going to be _you _for gods-know-how-long!" Lily exclaimed.

"Well, we don't have much of a choice do we?" James smiled his cocky grin of his; the only thing keeping Lily from slapping him again was the fact that he was wearing her face…literally.

"Should we tell our friends?" Lily asked timidly, fearing what the answer would be.

"Well, if you wanted to get shipped to Saint Mungo's than all you had to do was act like yourself Evans." James replied.

After a brief moment of intense thinking Lily gave a loud sigh, and decided to go along with their little plan. "Fine Potter, I'll try to live your life as you do mine until this thing wears off, but if you mess up my life one bit Potter, your dead."

"Funny, you'd think I'd stop walking around by now." James smirked, making Lily scowl.

"Just die Potter… Die…" Lily muttered as they both made their way down to their common room, none of them noticing a stifled fit of giggles that followed the closing door.

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(A/N- I waz gonna stop here, but nah, I wouldn't do that to you guys! Notice how I copied James' and Lily's last quote from Harry and Snape.)

-At the common room-

Emmeline and Amber jumped at the sight of Lily quickly leaving their conversation with Remus to make sure she was fine.

"Lily, what happened are you alright?" Emmeline asked as the real Lily gave a meaningful glare at James, who was completely ignoring her.

"Oh, no I'm fine!" James squealed in a high pitched voice, making Lily slap her forehead and Amber to raise an eyebrow. "I just realized how totally hot Potter was and just had to see –ouch!" James was cut off by Lily's angry foot jabbing into his.

"Umm, I meant." He quickly crossed his arms and gave an unconvincing scowl. "I-hate-Potter." He grunted as though he was a caveman.

Amber and Emmeline exchanged disbelieving glances with each other.

"Whaaaaat he-she meant to say was that there was a very important Heads meeting we missed with Professor Dumbledore, therefore we both over panicked and rushed out to..er meet him." Lily said sweetly while jabbing her elbow into James several times.

"In the boy's dormitory?" inquired Remus as he once again abandoned his book to join the conversation.

"Errr… I went up there to collect Potter, but to only find out that ummm, the date was changed from an owl post." James quickly lied, earning a relived look from Lily, which didn't go unnoticed by Remus.

The girls however, seemed to reluctantly accept this excuse and climbed up the dormitory staircase, Emmeline shooting James one last worried look before she went inside.

"Well that makes sense…" Sirius popped out of thin air behind the couch Remus was sitting in; making him choke on the glass of water he was currently drinking.

"Where'd you come from?" Remus spluttered as he tried to wipe his wet robes dry with his hands, only to receive a grin similar to the Cheeserie cat in response.

Turning to Lily he said, "Ol Minnie wants to talk to you and Fire Flower over there for the parent project Prongs."

Lily's hand was twitching to reach her wand at the annoying nickname Sirius has dubbed her, but somehow managed to grit out a 'Thank you' before angrily dragging James out of the Gryffindor common room.

As soon as the portrait hole shut closed Remus turned to Sirius to ask his opinion of Lily and James' strange behavior, to only find him missing.

"I hated it when he does that" he muttered before happily resuming with his book, (for the sixth time, mind you).

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"That was not subtle Potter! If you keep that up, then what's the point of keeping this a secret!" she lectured a very dazed James as they made their way through the corridors. "Potter pay attention! Potter?"

"The project…." James whispered depressingly.

"What of it?" Lily asked, piqued at the source of his discomfort.

There was a long awkward silence before James whispered, "I'm going to be….a mother."

At this Lily Evans laughed her way down the staircase, fully convincing anyone who passed by, that James Potter, was in fact mental.

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A/N- Okay, end here! I realized that Lily and James didn't need to go to McGonagall's office since all what she's going to say, I will need to repeat in the next chapter. I was going to do a Siri POV here, but nah… Don't wanna give away too much on his plans. Anyways, here's some response to your reviews!

**TO….**

**SweetSouthernGal****ninjamonkey****, Crystal, ****apotterlover****, and the-power-of-love**

**- **Like I said up there, your reviews are so kind and motivating! Your enthusiasm to my story just fuels my desire to write more. Please review again so I know you are still reading this.

**Black Padfoot****- **No one said the word 'forever' in chapter one, Lily was thinking those thoughts. She shivered because her mind just thought of the one thing she _thinks_ she fears. Yes, this is a school project, but they will end up together forever because they'll really get married eventually. This is just a story of how love blooms with a bunch of funny twists thrown inside.

**Khadon****- **Thank you so much for taking your time to see my story! (this goes to all my other readers as well) I didn't know you would respond to my question so quickly! I was wondering if you'd give me advice on how the plot is going (which you did) and a bit of my writing, for I know I have a couple of grammar mistakes thrown in there. I was going to have them go to Dumbledore, but I want to make this as original as possible, though I'll keep that in mind for later.

**Katkit****- **You are such a faithful reader. Sigh, I know you must be mad for my other story, but after that chapter I wrote, I didn't know what to do next, so I resolved in rewriting it, (which as you can see isn't going so well). At your request, I will repost all the other chapters I put down for Love is A Mystery, and try to scrap out the events until it gets to the adventure part I promised. I am however, very glad you decided to read this story as well. Thank you!

**PLEASE REVIEW! **


	5. Of wedding bells and bets

**A/N-** GAH! Sorry you guys, my parents are having a lets-take-our-daughter-outside-for- every-weekend-in-the-month-so-she-can't-type-her-stories moments. So I spent my whole weekend spending time with a seven year old girl that pisses right in her pants every time I make her laugh. Seriously! It was SCARY! We were crossing the road on the way back from Costco and she just sits right in the middle of the road laughing like crazy with a car coming straight our way! So me, being the kind life saving idiot I was, threw her on my back and ran…to only find that my favorite t-shirt is being used as a potty. (Shudders) I'm going to have nightmares. Well she did most of it on the ground, but still, EW!

**BTW-** Thanks for the amount of reviews! I hope I can finish this long chapter in thirty minutes before my bedtime (I just got home, and showered). This is one of the funniest chappie in my eyes. I think…. Well maybe it's stupid, you decide!

**Disclaimer-** Harry Potter is not mine. Sirius is not mine. Sirius is not mine. Sirius is not mi- I can't type it anymore! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! (Me running to the very nice person who my parents said is not a psychiatrist)…..you know I was kidding on the last part right?

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**Chapter five (right?)- Of wedding bells and bets**

Breakfast at the great hall

The morning of October 12th couldn't have been any brighter and happier than this day. The pure white snow was falling gently outside, portraying the exact same image upon the grand ceiling of the Great Hall. The scene was so peaceful that the people attending breakfast were quieter than usual to enjoy the moment….or perhaps it was silent because the absence of two certain bickering head students.

"Hem-hem" said Dumbledore as he commanded every student's attention with his radiating power of this, and that, and blah (A/N-too lazy to type in details.) "I am sorry to interrupt this peaceful meal, but I would like to announce a new Hogwarts school program that all the seventh year students are participating." He paused as a silent anticipation filled the air, his blue eyes twinkling more than it's usual. "However, your fellow prefects insisted that you are not ready for the task…unless you had a role model to follow before hand."

At this last statement, he swished his wand at the hall, filling it with white lacey decorations and such. The seventh year students were no longer sitting among their friends, but with the opposite gender, with small white covered tables with a lit candle in the center, as the remaining years sat in their new whitely decorated house tables. (Imagine a white flowery Yule ball with four larger tables for the less important peoples.)

Sirius and Emmeline wore identical looks of disgust as they found themselves sitting next to each other as Remus and Amber blushed in a separate table behind them. Snape was wearing an utmost glare crossed with a growl and a sneer as he found himself sitting in front of a very terrified….Peter?

"In three days you are to be assigned with the people you are sitting in front of." Continued Dumbledore, but was interrupted by a loud snarl of anger emitting from one greasy haired Slytherin.

"Ahh, I greatly apologize Mr. Snape, Mr. Pettigrew, my age must be finally catching up with me." And with his eyes still twinkling, he swished his wand yet again, so that Peter ended up with one huffy looking Hulfflepuff girl as Snape ended up with….Malfoy?

At this Dumbledore's eyes shined even brighter as few of the staff members shot him a disbelieving look. A loud chuckle emitted from under a flower veil (the little things you go under for weddings) at the newly transfigured white stage where the teachers were sitting.

From the shadows emerged the laughing face of…Lily Evans.

"Miss Evans?!?" Professor McGonagall screeched from her flowery white table. "Did _you_ pull of this atrocious prank?"

"Maaaybe" James replied, overly enjoyed at the fact he was getting Lily in trouble.

"I am deeply ashamed of you Miss Evans, I expected something like this from Mr. Potter, five points from Gryffindor!"

James was about to yell out 'what that's it?!?' but was stopped by Dumbledore, whose eyes was twinkling even more, that it looked as it they were to burst. "Miss Evans, why the bride is not to show herself until at the end of the wedding." With a swish of his wand James was wearing a gorgeous silky muggle styled wedding robes, his face red from wearing a nicely fitted dress.

At this few squeals from the girls broke out as guys started to protest at the sound of a wedding. But all this was silence by a heavy 'bang' of the door echoed from the black suited figure, of James Potter.

"You!" HE screeched and pointed at Lily, who was smiling innocently. "I-can't-believe-you-would-do-that-on-my-wedding!" s/he gritted out, and with each word he took a menacing step forward he in a very Lilyish way, red faced and all, making once again small children cry in fear.

When she (which is really Lily) finally reached up to her own body with a scared looking James possessing it, she slapped him.

Hard.

So hard that it left a red mark on his cheek, causing Remus, Emmeline, Amber, and the rest of the student population to raise their eyebrows. Sirius just smiled, as McGonagall looked deeply ashamed.

"Mr. Potter! Twenty points from Gryffindor for using violence! Honestly what have gotten into you two? You are supposed to be _role models! _" she stressed the last two words out by using her fingers to stretch the imaginary words, though she does seem to be ignoring the fact that she too, was a role model, yet acting very childishly due to stress.

"Now, now Minerva." Dumbledore said, his eyes so bright that it looked as though it was about to pop. "Not on their fake wedding day"

Wedding music filled the air as the girls broke out into happy sobs, the boys groaning and rolling their eyes.

James and Lily both wore a defeated grimaced frown as a pair of two tall pearly white figures with wavy wand hair came from behind the staff table. The man had pale brown eyes with short wavy golden locks as the woman wore her long blond hair in a short pony tale, her icy blue eyes covered behind a pair of pointy glasses.

"They" Dumbledore said as he waved at the two newcomers, "Are Professor Matt Lockhart and Judy Lockhart, they are here to teach you how to take care of a child from their experiences of teaching their now young and successful Gilderoy Lockhart."

Matt gave a cheerful grin, making the girls scream and swoon, earning an annoyed frown from Mrs. Lockhart.

"Mr. Lockhart will also wed are beloved Head boy and girl on this glorious occasion."

At this James started to cough violently, having met Gilderoy Lockhart on several pureblood gatherings James knew perfectly well what his father was capable of, because he's almost as self centered as his son.

"Jolly good!' Mr. Lockhart exclaimed skipping up to the podium. "I shall read from my son's latest book, Meeting the Wonderful Me." He took out a small golden book from his pocket, on the cover an exact clone of his face winking at the crowd.

"Do you Lily Evans, take James Potter, your fellow Head student of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry as your lawful wedded husband and to swear that at all cost you shall stand by his, and my son Gilderory's side?" He asked at the scowling James.

"Wouldn't that be cheating on him?" James raised his eyebrow.

"Ah young love." Stated Professor Lockhart. "Apologies Miss Evans, just forget the last part, now do you take him as your husband?"

"When hell freezes over." James replied gruffly.

McGonagall's lips were rapidly twitching, as if having an internal conflict of whether she should dock points in the middle of the wedding or not.

Lockhart, who apparently ignored James to look at his son's winking face in the book, exclaimed "Excellent!"

"Now do you, James Potter accept your fellow head student, take Lily Evans as your temporarily lawfully wedded wife?" He looked expectantly at Lily.

"Not even over my dead body" gritted out Lily.

"How lovely!" exclaimed Lockhart, sniffing in his handkerchief, "You may now kiss the bride.

James and Lily both looked equally revolted at the prospect of kissing each other, themselves actually, (bah whatever the point is that they still kiss, you know what I mean).

"Now, Matt, that's not required," stated Dumbledore, a small smile forming on his lips as Lily and James sighed in relief.

"Nonsense Albus!" exclaimed Mr. Lockhart. "A wedding is not a wedding without a wedding kiss!" All the girls in the school nodded their heads in a union, even Emmeline and Amber, to Lily's annoyance.

"No!" The couple yelled together.

"Kiss the bride!" Sirius chanted as he pounded on the table. "Kiss the bride!" Soon the whole hall joined in the chanting. "Kiss the bride! Kiss The Bride! KISS THE BRIDE!" As the chanting grew louder and louder Lily blushed harder as James continued to scowl at Sirius.

And then finally…

"All right! All right!" Screamed James. "I'll kiss the stupid bride!"

Silence….

"But Lily!" Sirius said in a sugary sweet voice. "You _are _the bride."

James looked down at his dress…. _Oh ya._

"I am not kissing….hi-her I mean that thing!" Lily screeched as she pointed at James.

"Well we all know you're gay." James insulted her automatically. Every single student, including the teachers scooted their chair backwards.

Lily Evans _never_ lied.

"Smooth Potter," she said. "You insulted yourself"

"Hem-hem" Snape sneered. "Are you going to kiss the gay guy or what Evans?"

Lily blushed, "Um, right." They both stared at each other, deeply scowling/staring each other in the eyes, looking very much looking as though they rather die.

Meanwhile Remus scooted his chair back towards Sirius to discuss the couple's weird opposite gender act, to only find him missing. "Oy, Emmeline" Remus hissed.

"Where's Sirius?"

Emmeline looked bewildered. "I dunno, I could have sworn he was sitting right here a second ago."

Back to the gazing contest of Lily and James.

"Wanna run for it Potter?" Lily muttered at the corner of her mouth.

"On the count of three." He whispered back.

"One…" said Lily.

"Two…" said James.

"THREE!" Said Sirius as he popped out of nowhere and pushed Lily towards James, resulting for them to crash into each other and their lips to touch.

The girls cooed in delight, the boys whooped and Sirius did his defying space and time thingy and ran around the room in a millisecond, throwing confetti around the air.

"SIRIUS!" James screamed with an interesting shade of red clashing with his long red hair. "YOU'RE DEAD!" and with that James kicked off his glass high heels and started chasing Sirius while holding his dress up to prevent tripping.

Lily just sat there, with slumped shoulders gingerly touching her lips whispering "Potter stole my first kiss…" (A/N- Imagine how weird it is to see a guy doing that! Remember they're in different bodies).

Lockhart just smiled and declared "I know pronounce you husband and wife as Mr. James Potter and Mrs. Lily Potter." making James stop Sirius in middle of his strangling-Sirius-to-death technique.

Ten minutes later….

"Now that all the mishaps have been sorted through," Dumbledore paused to smile at the very angry form of a certain redhead tied and gagged on a chair and a smirking Sirius behind her form. "I shall now finish explaining the new rules of what I like to call the parent program."

"Now, the each pair of students will receive a newborn child, which will learn and grow twice as faster as a normal one, thus growing a years worth in one month. This way you will all be able to watch your child grow up to he or she is seven years old in seven months. Of course, these are not real babies, but acts, looks, and feels like one due to a series of complicated spells." Dumbledore clapped his hands once as it released James from the captive chair and transported Sirius back to his seat.

"Now I trust that Miss Eva- I meant Mrs. Potter can restrain herself long enough to receive her baby before murdering her husband's best friend?" Dumbledore asked the sheepish looking James with a kind smile.

"We have taken a strand of each parent to produce an exact image of their offspring. Now Poppy, would you like to do the honors?" And with that the newly appointed medi-witch came onto the stage, holding a very adorable life like green eyed baby boy.

"Awww! He's so cute!" Lily cooed over James shoulder to take a good look at the small tuff of messy jet black hair. James just smiled down at his son proudly, earning a giggle from the newborn.

"Let me hold him! Let me hold him!" Lily smiled widely as the baby made ways into her arm, earning a wary look from Madam Pomfrey, for James is known to be how you say, not the gentlest cautious guy at Hogwarts

But to her surprise Lily started to make funny faces at Harry tapping his nose every now and then saying "whose the cutest baby? You are! You are!" in a baby voice.

James just stared at her and hissed "Guys don't do that!"

"Good thing I'm not a guy then" Lily retorted making Madam Pomfrey's eyes grow wide.

"Okay!" She rushed towards Harry and grabbed him out of Lily's arm, "back to mommy now dear." She handed him towards James arm, not noticing him sticking his tongue out at the very huffy Lily.

"What will be his name?" Madame Pomfrey asked in a business like tone as she took out a piece of parchment and a quill.

"James" said James promptly as Lily gaped at him.

"That's your-I mean my name you dolt! Give my poor baby some identity! Make his name Harry." She commanded to the very annoyed looking nurse.

"I want James!" James pouted jumping up and down making Harry squeal in delight. "Harry is a sissy name!"

"Well you're a sissy, and besides Harry's a pretty name!" Lily yelled back.

"Pretty? Pretty?" James looked disgusted. "Manly names are not supposed to sound _pretty" _he said the last word as if it was the cause of Quidditch's extinction.

"Well I want Harry!" Lily screeched. "James!" James screeched back.

"Harry!"

"James!"

"HARRY!"

"JAMES!"

"**HARRY!"**

"**JAMES!" **

"**HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARYYYYYYYYYY!" **Lily screamed in a high pitched voice breaking a few windows and making the tables tremble.

"Just name him as the father says!" McGonagall yelled over the noise, making Lily stop and smiled with triumph.

"Harry James Potter" Madame Pomfrey muttered as she wrote out the name of the parchment, looking as though there never was an earth shattering scream that took place. But she did however, ran out of the room as faster than one could say 'pixie' when her task was done.

Dumbledore stood up in the middle of the stage once again. "Now we, the staff expect you to take proper care of your baby. Remember it needs to be nurtured with real food, taken care of…."

Lily and James soon stopped listing for they have received a similar speech from their head of their house and were more occupied with glaring at each other.

Suddenly, Lily broke out into a satisfied grin, breaking the I-hate-you-let's-glare contest.

"What are you looking so smug about Evans?" James muttered as he rocked Harry a little too enthusiastically, causing him to look like he was sitting on a vibrator.

"Just realized how easy it's going to be you Potter." Lily muttered at the corner of her mouth, giving the crowd a nervous grin, for she was still standing on the stage. Funny how she'd just noticed them right now. "All I have to do is be the biggest fattest ugly lazy bum in the world, just sit there and order my fans what to do. Yup, going to be the easiest week I ever had."

"You think it's that easy being me?" James frowned as Harry started to tug his mother's (he's really a father) long red hair, seeming to ask why he had stopped his bouncing.

"Duh" Lily replied with the air of a person who just ruled the world with her amazing intelligence.

"It's not that easy being me, I mean there's Quidditch, being the greatest person in the world (so you have to maintain perfect personality), the task of finishing your meals before Sirius (or else), you must perfect my smile, don't forget Sirius, Peter's snoring, Sirius…" James listed as Lily rolled her eyes.

"Basically being a guy" Lily finished.

"You think you can handle it Evans?" James wore his evil mischievous grin. "Well how bout we make a proposition to make things interesting?" He paused. "The loser must follow whatever the winner wishes for a whole day."

"I'm listening" said Lily.

"I bet you by the end of three days, you've gone temporarily insane because of Sirius" grinned James.

Lily gaped at him. "ME? Insane? You just lost your free will for the day Potter." She continued smiling, "To make things more interesting for me, then you have to smile for the whole three days being a girl, so the winner, which is me, gets two days of bossing around."

James just grinned wider. "Ha! I'm going to have so much fun watching you do whatever I want on my bit fat girly ass."

"You're on Potter, you're on."

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A/N- I hope you liked it! I'm hoping I get the next chappie up by Thursday being the latest, so check it out! Keep the reviews going peoplez! I'm deliriously happy when I get one. Oh ya, should I keep Malfoy and Snape together? Or as single parents? (who'd want to marry them?) or maybe with a professor! (but that's just wrong)

Coming up- Lessons with the Lockharts!

**Preview…. **

"You're crazy!" he yelled at Sirius, pointing an accusing finger at him. Snape started to twitch violently and wore an insane smile. "In fact (twitch, twitch) you're crazy too!" He pointed at Professor Lockhart who was looking at him questionably with his headphones still on.

"You're crazy!" He pointed at Lily. "You're (twitch) crazy (twitch) too!" he pointed at a very freaked out Peter.

"In fact….I'm crazy! Aha……Haha…..AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" Snivel- Snape made a mad dash towards the door, having a mad (literally) look on his face…drool coming from his mouth.

**End Preview…**

Well cyaz!

Love,

the-author-who-got-pissed-on-her-fav.-shirt-sniff.

Was it Stupid? Weird? Funny?


	6. Lessons with the Lockharts Part I

**A/N-** Sorryz! (A mob of angry mob yelling 'liar' shaking their fists appears in front of author). I know I said Thursday but my stupid brain forgot a huge history paper was due the day after that. And when I finally did get this chapter done my computer goes all crazy on me, thus preventing me from updating on the promised date.

**To reviewer ****daleia**** -** Sigh…So I finally got my first review that doesn't make me all happy and bouncy. Well personally I think that it's fun to write Lily and James in switched places because of all the crazy stuff I can make them do. I will eventually place them back in their normal states, but not at the end of the story like most of the stories, oh no that's waaay too long. But if you read up to chapter five you must find a little interest in my story…..right? Ahhh well, at least you didn't call it stupid. Thanks for being honest with me but did you have to put up all those unhappy-tongue-sticking-out smilies? I wanted to try something different from my other story that's all.

**BTW-** This is rated PG-13 for a reason, people under eleven or so might find Sirius' performance unamusing. (Is that a word?) Review response is at the bottom. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer-** Harry Potter is not mine yada yada ya. I know I'm not J.K. Rowling otherwise this would be published, wouldn't it?

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**Chapter six- Lessons with the Lockharts Part I**

Many left breakfast at the Great Hall after the interesting fiasco that took place, smiling and bemused at what they had witnessed, the girls squealing every now end then during their excited giggles of gossip. Only two individuals seemed to be irate and highly distraught. One which seems to holding a very adorable life like baby, smiling at him while sending murderous glares at his new schedule, while the other grimaced at the sight.

"Well," James said with a very strained but frightening smile. "I guess we'll have to split up now…."

"Ya." Lily sighed, "I am not going to enjoy this lesson with Professor Lockhart, seeing he was oblivious to all the chaos that took at the wedding…"

"You know, for the first time today, Evans, I'm actually glad we switched. Lockhart's a total pain in the- oh stop scowling like that Evans!-anyways, he's even worse than his son, though I don't know how's that's even possible."

"Anyways" Lily continued, still frowning at the earlier comment James had made. "I'm going to place a tracement charm on you to make sure that you are keeping your part of the deal whenever I'm not in your disgusting presence."

And before James could open his mouth to protest, Lily cast the charm, making a blank parchment appear before her, and was bouncing down the corridors in a time span of ten seconds.

"Well…" James talked to himself in the empty corridor. "How hard would it be to smile all the time? Just put a cheering charm and Evans is in the palm of my hand. Right?" He reassured himself, only to receive a faint giggle from the bundle in his arms. James almost dropped Harry in fright, before remembering he had a baby in his arms and suddenly paled as an unpleasant odor blinded his senses. "Oh crap, I have to smile all day AND change a bloody diaper!"

With that he ran towards his classroom in panic, cursing all the way, making baby Harry give a toothless smile.

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_It's a good thing that I used to baby sit._ Lily happily mused. _Otherwise I would have never spotted that extreme look of concentration on Harry's face and ran. Wonder how James is taking it?_

Lily was so engulfed in her brief state of happiness that she started to hum a catchy tune from the Weird Sisters and sat down next to a very anxious Remus. She was completely oblivious to the world around her, that she didn't notice Professor Matt Lockhart skip into the room until the sound of his voice snapped her out of her daze.

"Now, I assume that all of your parents gave you 'the talk?'" inquired Lockhart as he smiled brightly, showing off his too-perfect-to-be-true teeth. If there were any shallow females present, they would have swooned, but all that came from the room was a collective groan from the guys, Lily agreeing wholeheartedly. For his smile was almost as arrogant as James'.

"The Talk?" Peter squeaked in confusion receiving a dramatic gasp from Lockhart.

"Dear child!" he exclaimed woefully, trying not to look too happy. "You have never learned the glory of all human life?" He took a dramatic pause. "Then I shall educate you and all of the poor souls that has been failed to be educated properly!" Lockhart grinned as he turned to sit on his chair, completely unaware of all the murderous glares the audience was shooting at Peter.

Snape even went as far as transfiguring his quill into a miniature doll version of Peter and started to chop them up into tiny little pieces with his pen knife, slowly and vengefully in the clear view of the paling Gryffindor.

Sirius however, looked positively delighted.

"Oooooh! Pick me! Pick MEEE!" Sirius waved his hand in the air as though it was on fire, bouncing up and down in his chair with a mischievous glint in his eyes. Remus, his face now pale than the violent shade of crimson it was earlier from the mention of 'the talk' were trying to pacify Sirius. With wide eyes Remus turned to Lily and mouthed 'help me', to only receive a baffled blink from her.

When Matt Lockhart finally diverted his attention from the small pocket mirror he found on his desk, he turned to Sirius and answered, "Yes Mister Black?"

In one last desperate attempt to prevent Sirius from… whatever he's doing, Remus screamed out "Nooooooooo!" and leapt from his seat, hoping to jump on Sirius and bring him to the floor.

Crash!

Remus quickly sat up his sandy brown hair was not unnaturally untidy and he was looking around confusingly for any sign of Sirius, for it was very apparent that he wasn't able to land on him.

Lily gaped as she spotted an insanely grinning Sirius standing in front of Lockhart's desk in the verrry front of the classroom. _But he was sitting in the back row a second ago! How?Where?!?_ Lily glanced at Remus to see that he was also thinking along these lines, but gave a grim frown of defeat as he seem to give up on figuring out how his best friend had the ability to disappear from one place to another in a fraction of a second. He buried his face in his hands as Sirius began to speak, preparing himself of what would come.

"Oooh! Professor Lockhart?!? Professor! I was wondering if _I _could give the talk?" Sirius smiled sweetly, complete with his puppy dog eyes, earning a praising smile from the blond haired Professor.

"Of course you may, Mr. Black, I believe it's just so spiffing to see a youngster such as yourself dedicated to informing your fellow friends." Lockhart grinned at the frowning occupants in the room. "In fact I just had a brilliant idea! I will grade you today on how much attention you are paying attention!" With a tap of his wand a list of names and a quill appeared before him. "You may begin Mister Black."

At this Remus gave a weird sound of stifled cry of misery and laughter as he began to bang his head repeatedly on the table, causing Lily to raise her eyebrow.

_Black can't be that bad… _Lily thought… _Can he?_

"Hem-hem" Sirius coughed in a very Umbrigish way (which is unknown to him and any other readers who didn't read OoTP), giving a look of pure pleasure and annoyance to Remus. "You are being graaaded." Sirius said in a sing song voice as Remus seized his repeatedly banging, though looking as though he rather die.

"Okay! That's better." Sirius said beaming at his friend. "Now.." He adopted a voice of a scary sci-fi narrator, "What I'm about to teach you is so vile, so disgusting…." His voice switched to an imitation of a happy clown, "yet wonderfully cool at the same time. And, what better than to learn from…me? Sirius! The most handsome member of the Marauders.

Lily gave a snort as Sirius started to speak in his normal voice, though it sounded as though he was deliriously happy about this job.

"When a mommy doggie and a daddy doggie love each other very much…they have a special ceremony, including wine and biscuits to become stuck together." Peter gave a squeak of terror as everyone looked at Sirius disbelievingly.

Lily tuned him out repeatedly thinking… _It's going to be over soon. It's going to be over soon… Over soon…_

Ten minutes later….

Lily's eyes started to twitch violently as Sirius started blabbering about what corny weird remarks one should use to pick up a girl. Remus' head was unmoving on his desk, giving off the odd appearance of being dead, though Peter looked absolutely confused. Snape just scowling so hard he was red faced, making him look like…Snape. Most of the classroom disgusted out of their minds, as Lockhart stared at them happily with a smile on his face as he was listening to Wizarding Wireless with some headphones, receiving envious looks from, well…everyone except Sirius.

_Please let it be over soon…Please let the bell ring…Please let Sirius drop dead to the floor and Potter becoming suddenly gay so we don't have to keep Harry…Ring you stupid bell! RING! …..Okay…..If it's not then PLEASE make Sirius shut up! _Lily pleaded in her thoughts to no one in particular…

_Wait…_Lily realizes at the error in her last wish. _Sirius wouldn't shut up even if pigs started flying…because he's Sirius…_

Ten more agonizing minutes (or years, Lily couldn't tell anymore) Sirius grabbed out two black stuffed animals and started doing a puppet show….. A veeery creepy puppet show.

"Sirius! You're soooo hot please! Let's do the ceremony of looove where I feed you biscuits while you watch poops decay!" Sirius shouted in a high pitched feminine voice as he bobbed one dog's head up and down.

"Sorry baby" Sirius said in a deep voice as he bobbed dog #2 up and down. "But your too ugly for me, I only let pretty poodles feed me biscuits.

"But I look just like you!" wailed the female poodle as Sirius made her look as she was dieing from absolute misery. "Silence!" Dog #2 commanded in a harsh tone. "How dare you say I'm fat? I'm sending you to the dog pound of no return!" he screamed violently and pointed his wand at her.

"Nooooooo!" the female dog screamed. "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeelting!" she screeched out as she disappeared into thin air as Sirius moved the male dog over the place she was standing, making it look as it was doing it's business on that spot. "That'll teach you for calling me fat! MWahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Five minutes later.

"hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" Sirius took in a deep breath. "hahahahahahahahahahahaha-"

"**STOP!" **A certain disgruntled greasy haired Slytherin git stood up suddenly, knocking his chair down and interrupting Sirius in his evil laughter. (Earning cheers and whoops from the class full of boys.)

"You're crazy!" he yelled at Sirius, pointing an accusing finger at him. Snape started to twitch violently and wore an insane smile. "In fact (twitch, twitch) you're crazy too!" He pointed at Professor Lockhart who was looking at him questionably with his headphones still on.

"You're crazy!" He pointed at Lily. "You're (twitch) crazy (twitch) too!" he pointed at a very freaked out Peter.

"In fact….I'm crazy! Aha……Haha…..AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" Snivel- Snape made a mad dash towards the door, having a mad (literally) look on his face…drool coming from his mouth.

**BANG! **The insane future-to-be-potions-master suddenly hit the door, which was still closed, and fell unconscious. He was twitching violently muttering things like "Dogs" or "biscuits" or "He won't stop!"

Immediately five students rushed him out of the classroom before Lily or Remus could, leaving them in a very silent classroom.

After a few seconds Remus started to mutter lowly, "I knew it! _I _knew it! Someone _did _go crazy from Sirius' speech….I knew it all along! But did any one listen to me?!? Nooooo. Too bad we can't shove him a closet this time. Maybe if I replaced myself with a life size doll? No, no he found out that out too…Heh….hehe." Remus came to a sudden halt, his face overcome in a glazed expression as if he was remembering a very unhappy memory.

Lily slowly inched her chair away… just in case….

Her attention was drawn back to Lockhart which whom tutted sadly. "Tsk…tsk… That was Mr. Snape correct? Not an amusing prank. Not amusing at all." He scribbled something that looked suspiciously like a zero on the parchment and continued to bob his head along with the beat of the music that only he could hear.

"Okaaaay…" Sirius spoke up, ignoring the screams of no's and cries of misery. "Back to the show!"

Remus resumed his glazed expression, Peter listened enthusiastically, and Lily continued her mental chanting, the only thing keeping her from leaving was her unhealthy obsession to score perfect marks at everything.

_Please stop talking….Please stop talking…. _Lily chanted. _Please stop talking. _

Sirius started to do a tap dance lip singing to the muggle song 'I am beautiful'.

_GAH! _Lily screamed mentally. _SHUT UP! _

"I am beautiful, no matter you saaaaaaay! Because words caaaaan't put meeee dooooooown"

_CHICKEN BUTT! _A strange voice that sounded eerily like Sirius echoed throughout her head.

_Eh? _She suddenly sat up straighter wondering if what she heard was real or not.

_Woooooooo! Merry had a little crab and ate it all up so! _

_Calm yourself down Lily! _She told herself as she fought to maintain control over her panick. _Your not going insane like Snape, nope you aren't! You are too intellectual to fall for that outrageous losing your mind thing. _She smiled at the self-made compliment.

_You know that talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity. _

_Are you going to leave?_Lily asked in a timid tone.

_Maaaaaby _It replied in a singsong voice, making the very stressed Head Girl start pulling at her hair in frustration in a silent scream, hoping she isn't going insane, as James Potter predicted she would.

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A/N- Ok! Took me a while to finish! So sorry! Reports, party, real life, and that. Oh did I mention that I'm going to visit Japan for two weeks for my winter break? I'm leaving on the 19th so I'm not sure I can update during the holidays. But never fear! I shall type the chapter beforehand and make my friend update for me! First I have to write the chapters…. Well a single review goes a long way in motivating me because I know someone's reading this.

Next chapter is James' point of view, Sirius' (maybe depends), and a little extra.

**Author Response For- **

**soft N' fluffy- **Thank you soo much for the kind comments! I write my chapter a lot faster because of your encouraging words! I am completely happy that you enjoy my work. I am also delighted that this is becoming one of your favorites! You are a sweet n kind reviewer!

**PammaPoo****- **Love the reviews, glad to know I have a new reader! Did you read up to this chapter? Just wondering.

**SweetSouthernGal – **It makes me so happy that you review so regularly! Thank you!

**hyukl;kou- **Nid, my friend, thanks for reviewing and all, but what's with the unpronounceable name? lol


	7. Lessons with the Lockharts Part II

**A/N-** SQUEAL! SO MANY REVIEWS! I am overjoyed! Thrilled! All teary eyed mushy gushy! So many new readers and positive comments! Wooo! You all deserve freshly baked chocolate chip cookies or something similar to it! It's interesting how I get more reviews when my story is updated at the beginning of the day. I always update round 7pm-9pm because that's when I finish typing but now I'm beginning to think I should update during weekend mornings. Too bad I can't test my theory next weekend since I'm visiting Japan for two weeks and all. But on the brighter note the reviews passed up my other still-in-rewritten–process 'love is a mystery'!

**Special Shout Out to ****DobbyGrl**Congrats! You're my 40th reviewer! You marked the new level of review getting I have ever received since my other story! I want to do something special for this lucky reviewer, maybe have Dobby in the story and Sirius multiplying him to the point the castle is full of bouncing-hyper house elves? Hmm, well you can suggest anything you like and it's done! As long as it isn't something big like Dobby being baby Harry instead of Harry or something, lol.

**BTW- **All your wonderful reviews are answered at the bottom! And it seemed that you guys can't see chapter six that was updated on the 12th, so I'm going to take it off then back on again!

**Disclaimer- **I am not making any profit out of this story because all the characters are created by the infamous J.K. Rowling, not me. There are no connections of Sirius' sudden disappearance in the OoTP and the new black dog I have locked up in my room. None at all. Really. No he isn't trying to type 'help' on my computer. STOP INTERROGATING ME!

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**Chapter Six- Lessons with the Lockharts Part II**

James rushed through the halls in such a rush that he completely ignored the fact he was knocking over any one who stood in the way, looking as though he had committed some horrible crime. His mind was completely blank and overwhelmed in panic, which it took him half a moment to register his actions, and to his surprise, he didn't even know what he was doing. In an act of pure panic, he had blindly followed his instincts when in trouble, and ended up in front of the one place he knew so well.

He was _supposed_ to go to his 'marriage class' and ask Mrs. Lockhart for help. He was _supposed_ to ask a female who was experienced in this matter to assist him. Heck he could've flood home and asked his _mom _for Merlin's sake! But did he do any of these reasonable things? Nooo… His feet had completely betrayed him.

Because he _wasn't_ supposed to be standing in front of a stone gargoyle that has seen him more times then his parents preferred. He _wasn't _supposed to be red faced from running, or perhaps it was Harry's fumes. And most importantly he _wasn't _supposed to be going to a god-knows-how-old headmaster of Hogwarts for a silly thing such as this.

For a while James just stood there, gaping at the immobile stone statue, amazed at his own stupidity, making Harry quite angry that his situation was completely forgotten. Making a face of utmost annoyance and sadness he opened his mouth in a big gaping hole that took up half of his pudgy baby face, and for the first time, wailed.

_Loud. _

So loud, that James could have sworn that Harry was part banshee along with Lily and that he had finally gone deaf. His cries rebounded through stone floored floors, making them shake from the ultra sound that couldn't possibly, (in James' opinion) be created by a human being. His failing attempt at soothing the crying child was drowned from his screams, and only when the entrance way to Dumbledore's opened up with a slight grinding sound, the hall was silenced.

And who would come out of Dumbledore's office than Dumbledore himself?

"Ahh Miss Evans." He said with the usual twinkle in his eyes. "What do I owe this rare visit?"

"Er…" James replied intelligently making baby Harry giggle and clap his hands at his supposed mother's discomfort.

James was beginning to resent at that smile, and gave Harry a disapproving frown. But to his surprise a small electrical jolt traveled through his entire body making his long red hair stand to its very tips, and a certain sixteen year old to go rigid, his eyes wide open from shock.

At this Dumbledore seemed more amused than concerned, as he looked down at the shocked James, his mouth curved slightly upwards. It had taken him a few moments to retrieve the feeling in his body and soon realize the reason of this strange occurrence. His mind flew back to the previous incident only minutes ago with Lily.

Now James wasn't really paying attention to Lily while she was making a very unusual deal with him that early morning. In fact he was too occupied with the new baby that had taken a habit in pulling on his newly acquired auburn locks. All he caught her saying was something about him smiling all the time and the prize was a complete control over the other for two straight days. The latter caught his attention immediately, therefore his enthusiasm to comply. But now, he wasn't too sure.

James knew that he was suppose to grin and bear this bizarre body switching thing for three days, but he had no idea it involved physical pain when he failed to do so. Perhaps it had something to do with the charm Lily cast earlier? Either way, he didn't like the semi painful bolt of electricity, and decided to go along with the Head Girl's silly little plan until he could yell at her personally. For now he had to get away with the situation he was in.

How hard was it to be a girl?

Placing the sweetest most, cheesiest smile he could muster, James giggled and blinked happily at the headmaster. Using his not-so-successful girly tone he replied, (a bit of a slow response if I do say so myself). "Sorry Professor Dumbledore, Harry here..er…had…er… well, did his business so I ummm…panicked and got lost on my way to the classroom." He smiled wider at his successful half true lie.

"Ahh. I see Miss Evans, I know a nifty little spell that would take care of this misfortune instantly. But sadly I believe it's a requirement to learn how to do this the muggle way. Please step into my office, I have just discovered a most peculiar candy called Lemon Drops, it's quite delightful if I do say so myself."

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Ten minutes later an extremely freaked out, yet still smiling James Potter made his way towards the class he was very much late for, one hand clutching a slip for his tardiness, while the other held a stinky free Harry. One would be freaked out too, if you had just witnessed the greatest old wizard of all time changing a filthy diaper. The fact he had passed out twice from the unpleasant odor didn't quite make the situation less creepy.

Well at least he wasn't the only one. Right after he was revived awake the first time, McGonagall had rushed in; demanding to know what had caused that awfully disrupting racket that had occurred earlier, only to faint by the time she had reached the usual routine of blaming Sirius and James.

If James wasn't already smiling, he would have at the thought. For he couldn't help but think how powerful Harry was to make his transfiguration teacher faint like that, or perhaps Harry just has a terribly bad digestive system?

Well, after the second time that James got shocked, he learned very quickly to never frown again for the pain grew a bit powerful each time. This, he mused, was the result of a very intelligent twisted mind of his stuck up rival.

When James finally reached the closed doors to his destination, he slowly opened them with a low creek, to peer inside the gap, awaiting the reaction of his strictly looking new Professor. However, to his surprise and relief he found the classroom to be teacher free, filled small groups composed from the female population of Gryffindor and Hulfflepuff's seventh year, each surrounded around a small oven. With a reassured postured, he strode into the classroom and was just about to take an empty space beside a wary looking Emmeline when a sudden voice made him jump.

"Well, well, well." The icy voice whispered lowly within a foot behind him. "Miss Evans has finally deemed this class worthy of her time. Twenty points from Gryffindor!"

James turned around to face a pair of steeling grey eyes. He was completely forgetting the note in his clutched hand in favor of being intimidated by some woman wearing what seemed to be a cooking apron.

"I expected you to be far more responsible from your respectable reputation among the school staff." Mrs. Lockhart placed her hands on her hips as everyone else watched, receiving a hated glare from Emmeline and an annoyed frown from Amber as they both watched a cruel smile form upon their newly acquainted teacher.

"I had imagined the Potter boy I heard about to consider above the rules. He must have damaged your pretty little mind by that horrid wedding kiss" Similar to her husband, she gave a dramatic paused. "Pity, I had really hoped there was at least one person in this place that isn't a complete imbecile."

She paused yet again as a young Hulfflepuff gave a loud shriek at her burning oven, running around in circles with her hands in the air, thinking this would solve her dilemma of her burning skirt as Amber rushed forward to put out the fire while the others tried to calm her down.

"Like everyone else." Professor Judy Lockhart hissed under her breath as she strode quickly over to the other girls who somehow managed to catch their skirts on fire too, shouting something along the lines of 'are you too stupid to get anything right?'

Ignoring the screaming girls who were all running around in one giant circle around the very stressed out Professor (as some successfully put out the flames); James quickly made his way next to Emmeline who wore a look that clearly stated tell-me-everything-that-happened-this-instant-or-I'll-die-of-curiosity. He chose to ignore her too, making Emmeline seem very crossed as he punched the dough that was required for the cake they were baking.

Why was a cake essential to being a mother? James did not know, but his mouth frozen in a very stiff smile, his mind cured both Lily and Lockhart for his anger. He blamed Lily for the stupid charm that'll cause him harm every time he frowned and Lockhart for being Lockhart.

He did however, had to cover his powered hands to stifle his laughter when Professor Lockhart had also gotten her skirt on fire. No one but Alice seemed to try to help her, in fact the ones with the burnt clothes and slightly smoked faces seemed to be satisfied. It was not until James caught the sight of the Hulfflepuff girl hiding her drawn wand into her pocket did he realize what they seemed so smug about.

Emmeline watched with both amusement and disgust while James carelessly dumped the whole jar of chili powered in his cake and a handful of chopped up celery, seeming as though he was just blindly dumping things into the bowl.

Which, was why his cake turned a strange yellowish green color, instead of the good chocolaty brown it was supposed to be. Poking his wand disdainfully at the gooey yellow frosting, James slowly looked around to see if anyone was watching. Carefully, he placed Harry on the table beside the cake and hid under the table, transfiguring a bowl into a perfectly made chocolate cake.

He happily stood up with a new cake in his hand and placed it on the table next to his name. James frowned (and got electrocuted for a moment) when he realized that Harry was gone. His eyes frantically searched the room for any signs of him. James opened his mouth in horror when his gaze fell upon a tiny plump ball of skin covered in yellowish green frosting, sitting on the place his home made cake once used to be.

That tiny plump ball started to move into a sitting position, until a very green face emerged into the view, looking not too happy at all.

James' started to panic when Mrs. Lockhart came his way, grading and tasting everyone's project. He swiftly picked Harry up, making the poor food abused baby grimaced even more, and tried to rush to the bathroom, to no avail. Instead, Harry threw up on the Emmeline's gorgeous three layered vanilla cake, turning it from white to brown. James froze in horror, wondering why no one had noticed yet, and his eyes practically grew to the size of a tennis ball when Professor Lockhart came round and dipped her finger into the contaminated cake and place it in her mouth.

James being the only witness, wanted to throw up himself when a look of delight flashed across his teacher's face and beckoned everyone to gather around.

"Look here class! Miss Vance has created the most unique tasting cake I have ever tasted! Ten points to Gryffindor!" She exclaimed as Emmeline shot her cake a puzzled look, but nodded her head along.

Now James was a responsible father/mother thingy. That is why he did not notice Harry climbing on to a nearby table while he was in a state of mortified disgust. Only when a pair of girls started making a fuss over him did he notice he was missing a six pound bundle in his arms. (A/N- How much do babies weigh? . )

"Like oh my god!" squealed Jessica Brown. "He is so like cute! Isn't he Sarah?" she turned her head to a brown haired Gryffindor next to her. "Uh-huh! Like, words are not like, enough to explain!" She squealed back. "You don't mind if we look at him for a while, do you Lily?" Sarah Patil asked, not even glancing at James and started to coo before he opened his mouth to respond.

"Errr…" said James as a small crowed of fussing girls formed around his son. He started to get annoyed as they started to pinch and ruffle his hair.

"Umm…I think he needs to go now." He called out to no one in particular. "Errr... Excuse me?" he tried again. He gave a low growl then squeaked when the static electricity went through his body for frowning, thus he placed on a murderous smile.

"Okay now… This is not A ZOO!" he raised his voice after the stress added from the shock, but the girls still ignored him. Taking a few steps back, James ran toward and dived into the crowd, not caring if he was tugging anyone's hair along the way.

"Excuse me…Pardon me…Get out of the way…I said GET OUT OF THE WAY!" HE pushed forcefully through. When he finally reached the middle he found Harry covered in lipstick marks as Jessica started to pinch his cheek, using a modified baby voice, which reminded him violently of the deep hidden memories of his over attentive slightly intimidating fat aunt who wore too much lipstick.

"Can I have him back now?" James smiled dangerously, and unconsciously placed his hands on his hips to show his annoyance.

"Awww…Just a bit more Lily! Please!" whined Sarah as Jessica nodded eagerly.

"I said no! Now hand Harry over!" James expanded his arms to take the baby, but the girls backed away quickly.

"But he's soooo adorable!" Jessica pleaded.

"That's nice, but hand him over!" James raised his voice.

"NO!" Jessica yelled back violently. "You get to keep him for the whole year, now let us see!" In the back round some loud agreements could be heard, but this only aggravated the teen even more.

"So why don't you just back off you old prudish witch." Sarah spoke a little too boldly, creating a sudden silence in the room.

"OH! You just did not go there girlfriend!" James snapped his fingers in a very girlish way, while someone in the background called out 'cat fight!'

These seemed to be the magical words as James had finally had lost his temper and slapped a very shocked Sarah on the cheeks as Harry giggled widely from Jessica's arms.

Soon they began slapping and pulling at each others hair, not noticing the stern professor approaching but instead continued to insult each other as they rolled around on the tiled floor.

"I told you once…slap…and…I'll….tell…you….slap….and….I'll say…slap…it again." He jumped to his feet and grabbed Emmeline's cake. "GET AWAY FROM MY BABY!" and with that, he shoved the whole three layered, puke covered cake into Sarah's face.

A sudden silence has once again engulfed the room, and James stayed immobilized on the spot, realizing what he just did.

_Oh my god. _He thought. _Did I say something girly? Oh my god did I say oh my god? OH MY GOD! I meant holy crap. Yeah, that's better, more manly. _He smiled in satisfaction than grimaced once again, than remembered his bet with Lily, and forced a creepy grin. _Oh great, being in this body is going to really make me gay. I mean what kind of manly man would say' you did not go there girlfriend?' I need to stop talking to myself too…._

"Hem-hem" Mrs. Lockhart opened her mouth to speak, when she was suddenly interrupted by a loud scream from Sarah. "EW" she cried. "Is this puke?!?" she asked in no one particular before rushing to the bathroom, followed closely by the green faced professor who just realized what she actually ate earlier.

As soon as they disappeared from everyone's view, the same person who had called out earlier screamed "food fight!" Cakes started to fly around the room, some pelting James and Harry as they made their way to the door. Without even glancing back, James ran out of the classroom like his life depended on it…not noticing an all too familiar grin was directed at his back.

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**A/N- **I'm sooo sorry for the late update! It's just that I recently had a play, birthday parties, school reports, chores, and packing up my stuff for Japan that I didn't have any time to write this! My computer won't let me go online for the past 5 days now! I don't know how I can get this up, but I'll try. I'm going to write a lot of stuff for this story on my 9 hour plane trip that I'll attend to the air plane so when I come back I'll have a ton of chappies for you guys. If I'm not too busy playing on my new game Kingdom Hearts Chain of Memories! WOO HOO! Oh I would put Review Responses here, but as I said, I can't see your reviews, I will next chappie.

**Very Important Note!!! **I'm not sure if I can update for the next two weeks with the I'm-leaving-the-country-for-two-weeks thing. I'm going to TRY to update from Japan since I can't have my friends update for me cause 1.) Her cpu just recently died. And 2.) I haven't written it yet. Check the days before Christmas of very soon after if I have updated, if not than u guys gotta wait till January 4th!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Love, Miss Runa Black

**P.S**.- I wanna see a ton of reviews by the time I get back! . Oh and the person who told me to have a good time in Japan, thanks! You are very kind! I will find out who when I can!


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